12/30/2006


10DPO. So much for having a beer to ring in the new year, huh?

12/29/2006


9DPO. Here's my chart. At this point in my last cycle, AF was about to show. I fully expected to see my temp drop today, but instead a slight rise. (That could be from the two glasses of wine I had last night.) Boobs still tender. Not so crampy as last time, though. That's a plus.
I HATE not knowing. I am fairly certain that I'm not, but I would like to know for sure. I am trying to have self-control with the hpt's. My original plan was to test on New Year's Day if af hadn't showed up by then. I blew that already. I MUST make myself wait. I MUST. I MUST. I am so weak! It's a good thing I have no more hpt's in the house at the moment.

12/28/2006

8DPO
Boobs were hurting pretty bad most of yesterday. Not so much today...I expect I'll see a temp drop here in the next couple of days and the arrival of AF. I broke down and took a test this morning. NEGATIVE, of course. Why do I do this? I accomplish nothing other than making myself feel stupid and disappointed. It would be a lot less painful to beat myself about the head and shoulders with spiked whip.

12/27/2006

7DPO (according to FertilityFriend.com)
Christmas has come and gone and all was well. I cooked all weekend, packed it up, took it to my SIL's house, unpacked it and served it. WHEW. Glad it's over! My SIL and I have a pretty good arrangement. She has a nice, big house with a pool table, bar and bigscreen tv. I love to cook. So she hosts and I bring most of the food. It works out great! I cook, she cleans, lol!

I had to go back to work yesterday, and I was exhausted. I felt way out of sorts yesterday. I was Bitch Supreme! But much better attitude today. The best thing about having been super-busy for the last week is that I've had no time to think about whether I'm pg or not. I know one thing, my boobs have been on fire. But, of course, same was true last month. If I had to wager, I'd say AF will be showing up to celebrate the New Year. I'm not as sad about that.

DH's best friend and his wife and baby girl came over last night. This is the couple that are newly-pg. She said she feels great. Their first pregnancy (before their DD) ended at about 4 months due to chromosomal abnormalities. It was a boy. They were devastated and waited two more years to try again. They had an emergency C-section with DD. I pray this pregnancy is VERY UNEVENTFUL!!

12/23/2006

According to fertilityfriend.com, I am 3DPO today. Finally got the crosshairs. My temp has been up for three days now. If my O day is right by my chart, we bd'd all but the day before O. Hope that wasn't the magic day, cause we sure missed it! DH had to work late that night and I just couldn't stay awake.

Because this is my first month charting and I don't know how long my "luteal" phase is, FF recommends testing at 18DPO...AS IF. But I think I can hold out at least until New Years Day, which will be DPO 12. Okay, maybe I should wait a little longer than that, but I will allow myself to give in to the POAS Demon at that point. As for now, I'm feeling ambivilant about the whole thing. Part of this is because I've got alot to get done before Christmas and I really don't have the time to dwell on it. Part of this is because of how disappointed I was last cycle. I will not do that to myself again.

12/21/2006

Well, my temp spiked this morning, so evidently I o'd either yesterday or Tuesday. Now we get to enter the fabulously fun two-week wait.

DH expressed concern about how I reacted to not being pg last cycle. He even said that he wonders if we're doing the right thing. (Okay, NOW is not the time to say that to me.) I explained to him that the reason I was so upset is because I was so sure that I was pregnant, when in reality I was just experiencing lots of pms symptoms that I don't normally have. What I failed to consider is that I've been on the pill for seven years and have pretty much had NO pms up until this point. This time around, I am a little wiser and will not jump the gun.

We have decided to give it six months. This is month 2. ARE we doing the right thing? This is so awful, and I feel really guilty even writing this, but a little tiny part of me hopes that we can't get pregnant in six months. Why? I think it's because I would then have a "valid" reason for not having another baby, rather than the rather selfish-sounding, "Because I don't want to."

If we don't get pregnant, I do seriously want to look into foster-adoption.

12/20/2006

cd 16. Not sure if/when I o'd. I got a positive OPK on cd 13 & 14, but my temp has yet to rise. hmmm. Nips have been sensitive since Monday, and I've been having mild crampy twinges in my lower belly today. I thought for sure I'd see a temp rise today. Maybe tomorrow.

12/17/2006



Time to boogey, baby!

12/13/2006

CD10. Well, I received in the mail yesterday my order of OPK's from www.saveontests.com. I took the first one last night, which I did totally wrong. (Read the instructions, dipshit.) Today I tested while at work. I snuck into the bathroom and peed in a styrofoam cup, then made a beeline for my office before anyone saw me. I felt so goofy walking down the hall with a cup o' pee! Anyhoo, got a faint line. Hope this means I'm gearing up to O.

12/11/2006

CD 8. DH and I watched this show on TLC last night called "16 Children and Moving In" about this HUGE family building a house big enough for all of them. The parents had 15 kids with one on the way! Holy Crap!!! That woman wasn't running a family, she was running an army! She was a couple years older than me.

Not much on the ttc front. I bought one of those BBT thermometers and have started checking my temp each morning. Today was the third day. When I was trying to get pregnant with dd, I had started temping, but because my work schedule was always out of wack, I never really got a consistent reading. Plus, I ended up pregnant the same month I started temping so I was doing it for nothing anyway. Maybe that's what'll happen this time! Oh, and dh is no longer taking baths because I mentioned to him that hot baths kill the swimmers. He said he's trying to do his part.

12/07/2006

I have been avoiding my blog because I just feel so foolish.

Guess who showed up late Monday night? You guessed it, that red-headed bitch named Aunt Flow. Heiffer. I hate her. I was DEVESTATED. I started bawling right there on the toilet. Then I proceded to get rip-roaring drunk. I didn't go to work on Tuesday. I couldn't stop crying.

I was just soooo sure!!! The changes in my body were unlike anything I'd ever experienced before a period. I mean, I got these little bumps on my nips, for crissake! EVERYTHING was swollen! The cramps were horrendous! And all this went on for a full seven days! Very unlike any PMS ever. My system was just overrun with progesterone, I reckon.

I had it all planned out in my mind how to tell the family. My dd had even put "little sister or brother" on her Christmas list! I was going to buy her one of those "Big Sister" t-shirts and wrap it up for Christmas morning. Then, when she wore it to our family's house for Christmas dinner, everyone would see it.

I think this is why I am so devestated. It was soooo perfect.

I can't go through this again.

12/03/2006

I am pretty sure I'm pregnant. Let me rephrase that: If af shows up, I will be utterly amazed.

When I woke up this morning my first thought was, I feel pregnant. I've gotten three negative tests now(11/29, 12/1 and 12/2) but I'm only at cd24 and my hormone level may not be high enough to be detected yet. However, my boobs are rounder, the nips are getting these little raised bumps, and the areolas are spreading out in crazy directions. The cramps have died down to just a constant tugging feeling, no longer uncomfortable but I know it's there. My, ahem, nether regions are getting pretty sensitive too. I had forgotten about this really nice perk of pregnancy. DH is really excited!

So how do I feel? Pretty calm, since I don't know for sure. How will I feel when I get that big plus sign? Who knows.

And by the way, my guess on dh's Christmas gift? I was right. He of course caved and showed me pix of the two kayaks he bought, one single and one double. The woman that runs the outfitters where he purchased them told dh not to worry too much about me being pregnant and kayaking. She said she went kayaking all the way thru all of her pregnancies. She's pretty granola though. She's probably one of those supermoms who kayaked over to the bank, gave birth underwater, then tied the kid on her in a sling and paddled along on her merry way. She told us a story one time about caving with her three-month-old daughter! Geez!

12/01/2006

CD 22. By the time I got home from work yesterday, my boobs were no longer sore and I started cramping. I took this as a sign that af was on her way any minute. Yes, I was disappointed! Devastated to the point of tears is more like it. My dh said, "If you are, you are, if you aren't, you aren't. [So insightful, isn't he?] Is it really that hard on you?" I turned and shot him my best are-you-a-fucking-idiot glare and said, "Well aren't you lucky that you never have to experience this." He of course gave me a huge hug. They have no idea, do they?

Now today my sore boobs are back and I feel incredibly crappy and crampy. (The crappy is mostly due to the bottle of red wine I drank last night, but still.) Could someone just put me out of my misery for chrissake?!?!? The cramps I can live with; not knowing if I am pregnant or not is agony.

We went to Moyer's Winery and Restaurant last night. They were having a "Sing For Your Supper" night and Ken was invited to sing by his high school music teacher (who happens to be one of the owners of Moyer's). He sang "Ol' Man River" from Showboat. He was great! Now here's the dessert: By the end of everyone's performances, my dd was DEMANDING to get up there and sing Jingle Bells. She would not take no for an answer! The owner's son, sitting at the next table, overheard the commotion and said, "Of course you can, honey!" He took her up front, stood her on a chair, and handed her the microphone. She sang it! I couldn't believe it. Of course, she was off-key and her tempo was off, but the whole room chimed in with her! This child won't even say the prayer at family dinners, and here she is singing in front of at least 50 strangers in the middle of restaurant. So now she's convinced she's a superstar and wants to sing for everybody everywhere! Oh. My. God. I see embarrassing moments in my immediate future.

11/29/2006

CD20. I am a pendulum. Back and forth, back and forth. One minute I'm totally convinced I'm pregnant. Five minutes later I am convinced I'm not. SIGH. Look at what I have reduced myself to. I did it again. I took a pg test knowing I'm no where near close enough to af to be doing that. Negative of course. DUH. I think next time I should just pee on a $5 bill and flush it for all the good it does.

My nips are still very sensitive, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's not because I can't stop touching them, checking for changes. They tingle. The rest of my boob is not too sensitive or sore, just the nip. This is day 3 for sore nips. (Am I getting a little obsessed with my nips???)

I have also been pretty touchy mood-wise, but I cannot count this as anything since I'm usually all over the place with my mood anyway. I bit poor dd's head off last night, scared the shit out of her when I screamed, "just eat the damn sugar cookie!" It was like someone else's screechy shriek booming from my throat. I even felt the snap. God I'm such a witch. I apologized. But I'm still a witch.

I think I have an idea what dh's big Christmas gift might be. He forgets that ebay emails come to my email address, not his. He's bidding on a child's PFD (personal floatation device). We were dreaming of canoes and kayaks late this summer, doing alot of "window" shopping but knowing it just wasn't in the budget quite yet. I bet you a million dollars he's bought a canoe or a couple kayaks. Wouldn't that be just great if I did turn up pregnant. The damn boat would be old and worn out before I got to use it. You don't see many infants going down the creek, now do ya?

11/28/2006

My boobs are sore. Which in itself is no big deal, they sometimes get a little sore before AF. But they are a weird sore. The nips are overly-sensitive.

I hate this part. The two-week wait. I remember this from trying to get pregnant with DD. You tune into your body so hard that you over-analyze every single twinge, pain and gas bubble that goes thru your body, convinced it's a sign that you're pregnant. I hate being that person.

Oh, and guess what??? DH's best friend N and his wife are pregnant! That was quick, they just started trying in September.

11/25/2006

cd16. I love getting to sleep in and snuggle in the bed with dh on Saturday mornings. Nothing like a little Saturday morning shuffle, know what I mean? So in the heat of the moment this morning, dh says, "Let's make this one count. You are definitely ovulating!" How in the hell does he know that??? More than likely, I am, according to where I am at in the cycle and how my cm looks. But he's so sure of it. Hmmm....Afterward, he pulled my legs up and shook them, saying, "Get down in there, guys!"

He came home from work yesterday, all excited because he bought my Christmas present yesterday. God love him, he usually waits until Christmas Eve because he just can't stand to wait until we open our gifts. This next month will kill him! Hopefully, my Christmas present to him was "purchased" today....If I am pregnant, I will wait until Christmas to tell him. We'll know in a couple weeks.

11/23/2006


Today is Thanksgiving.

Today is also the 37th anniversary of the day my older brother was killed when he darted out into the street and was struck by a car. He was 2 years, 3 months, and 13 days old. I was 5 months old. My mother was 21, my dad was 24. My parents had made the bold decision to move to southern Mississippi to work on the clean up and reconstruction after Hurricane Camille. They were hundreds of miles from home. My mom says she looked away for a second. A second. That's all it took to almost completely destroy my family.

Growing up, I was always aware of this cloud that hung over my family around the holidays. I never really understood it, but it had always been there. My parents started fighting more around this time of year. My dad stayed gone more, coming home later and later. My mom hated decorating for Christmas. If you asked Mom what she wanted for Christmas, she always said, "A knock-out pill that lasts until New Year's Day." My dad has always refered to Christmas as "just another damn day". They now spend winter in the Keys. They do not celebrate the holidays.

I didn't fully understand any of this until I had my daughter. Now, when this day comes around, it is not only the loss of my brother's life I mourn; it is the loss of my parents' faith and hope, the loss of their youth.

So on this day of thanksgiving, I am so thankful for my parents. I love you Mom & Dad. I respect you for being survivors. I hope that I have just a fraction of your strength, and I pray that I will never need it. I am also thankful for the health and well-being of my husband and child. I pray that I will feel this grateful and blessed next year, and every year.

11/22/2006

Today is DH's birthday. We are now officially the same age again. See, I'm technically older than he is, having been born five months earlier. From June until November, he (lovingly?) refers to me as his old lady. ha. ha. Yeah, laugh it up...I'm not the one going gray, honey.

I'm at cd 12. We've been at it like rabbits, every day since last Thursday. Maybe he'll get an embryo for his birthday.

11/21/2006

Four people were laid off at work yesterday. This makes me incredibly nervous because I was the last one hired. Granted, the four positions eliminated were all part-time, and our GM assured all of the rest of us that our jobs were not in jeopardy at the present time. But still.

I'm thinking I will wait few months before asking HR about our maternity leave policy.

11/17/2006

Woohoo! Aunt Flow finally hit the road! That bitch overstayed her welcome this time.

11/15/2006

TMI Post:
I had forgotten how much I dislike AF. On bcp's, I never had my period for more than three days, and even then it was extremely light, like pantyliner-light. The last two years, I've been skipping the placebo pills and only having a period every three months or so. This month, I've had my first regular period since before DD was conceived. Today is day 5 and I think I'm in for at least another day or two. Ugh. Thank god I haven't had any cramping or other fun PMS symptoms. I've been very lucky in that department thus far in my reproductive life, and hopefully it will stay that way.

DH talked with his best friend N yesterday. N and his wife have a 13-mo-old daughter. Since N works from home, he has been the primary caregiver (if you knew N, you'd be laughing your ass off right now. He swore most of his life he'd never have kids, and here he is with one on his hip all day long!). He told DH that they are actively trying for #2. He also said that their relationship has been a little rocky lately; evidently she is having some mood swings and depression, but doesn't think she needs meds. DH told N about how much better life was when I started taking prozac; Of course, N is smart enough to know that if he tells his wife she should consider meds, he's liable to get his head torn off. So my dh has volunteered me to "politely" mention to her (next time we're all together) how much the drugs helped me and maybe she should give her doc a call. Okay, first of all, I don't consider my relationship with this woman to be close enough to tell her she needs help. I also think about how I would've reacted if some social acquaintance had told me I should get some antidepressants. In hindsight, maybe it would've made me seek medical help alot sooner than I did, but at the time, I think I would've gotten seriously pissed off. What would you do?

11/13/2006

AF showed up late Friday night. Yes, I feel disappointed; No, I don't feel devastated. So today is cd4.

We nested pretty hard this weekend. We painted our bedroom & bought a new comforter. LOVE it!! DH also put up ceiling fans in both bedrooms and hung up some much-needed wall hooks in the closet and utility room. Whew! Now we only have 4 areas that need to be painted: utility room, hallway, dd's bathroom and my craft room (which would be the baby's room). Not bad, I guess, even though we've been there 3.5 years!

11/10/2006

I took a pregnancy test yesterday. I did this knowing full-well that, if I am pregnant, it will probably be another week until a pg test would show it. But the pee-on-a-stick demon took me over and before I knew it, I was squinting at the stick, searching for pink lines. Negative, of course. I knew better. Will you just look at me?!? Why am I so anxious? Sometimes I just don't understand myself.

11/09/2006

Parent-Teacher Conferences were this week. DH and I met with our daughter's teacher on Tuesday night. Here's what we learned: Our daughter is the best student in her class. Now that sounds really great, and it truly is, but we also found out that it's not entirely because she's a brilliant kid. It's because about half of the students in her class have IEP's. Some of the students have learning disabilities, some have behavioral issues, some have serious problems at home.

To satisfy some pissy parents, our elementary school holds a "sign up" at the end of the school year for parents who want to request a particular teacher for the next year. Because it is first-come-first-serve, parents start lining up about an hour or more beforehand, like they're trying to buy tickets to a sold-out concert or something. I suffered through this process to choose her first grade teacher, and dd did get the teacher I requested; But of all the parents I talked with about this (most of whom were in line way ahead of me!), I was the only one who got my first choice. Basically this sign up thing is bullshit. I did not bother doing it this year.

So here's how it went down: This is her teacher's first year at this school, and pretty much what happened is all the other second-grade teachers picked through the students who signed up, chose who they wanted, and left everyone else to the new teacher. That's pretty shitty.

I know her teacher has no problem dealing with students who have special needs. She has a degree in Special Education, and taught Special Ed. at her last position. Furthermore, I think intergrating these kids into the regular classrooms is one of the best things to happen to our educational system in a long time. But when you have that many special needs students in one classroom, it's hard enough to give each of them the one-on-one attention they need, but it's damn near impossible to do without holding back the progress of the other kids. This is a lose-lose situation.

My daughter is a sponge...She absorbs information as fast as you can throw it at her. She loves to learn and read and experience new things every day. And now she's BORED. And that really pisses me off. It is not her teacher's fault. Her teacher is doing the best she can. It boils down to the way crap goes down in this school system - the politics, the good ol' boy network, the under-the-table favors. And all of our kids suffer because of it.

Anyway, my reason for even writing about this was not to bitch but to tell a story that shows what an awesome, loving, beautiful child we have.

Her teacher told us that she has "assigned" DD a "special project". Now I'm thinking, book report? extra math? Nothing like that.

One of the students is autistic, and won't talk beyond an occasional whispered word to the teacher. The teacher has seated DD next to this little girl in hopes that my daughter's outgoing and friendly personality will help her. As the teacher is telling us about this, she starts to choke up and tears form in her eyes. She tells us that it is amazing how DD has taken this sweet little girl under her wing, helping her with classwork when she needs it, defending her against the ugly remarks from bullying kids. This little girl trusts my daughter enough to talk to her when she will not speak to anyone else. The coolest part of this is the fact that my daughter has no idea what autism is, or that this little girl is any different than herself. She doesn't know her teacher had a special purpose in seating them together. She just saw someone who needed a friend.

She never ceases to blow my mind. I ache with love and pride.

11/08/2006

Not alot new. AF should make her appearance sometime next week, assuming I had a half-way normal cycle. This is my first time off bcp's in 7 years, so only time will tell. Of course, if I DID have a fairly normal cycle, I could be pregnant and not even know it. We haven't used any bc at all since I stopped the pills, and we've been dtd pretty regularly. I am feeling very calm about this, and that really surprises me. I might even be a tiny bit disappointed if AF shows up. (SSSHHHH...don't you dare tell anybody, they will call you a liar! LOL!)

I told DH that if we do this, he gets night shift. (He's up half the night now as it is, and I swear that man can fall back asleep in less than a minute!) I find this only fair! If I go thru 40 weeks of pregnancy and 18 hours of labor, the least he can do is get up in the middle of the night, right? With DD, I breastfed until she was almost 3 months old, so I didn't have much choice but to get up. I tried pumping a bottle so dh could do the night feedings, but I dreaded the pumping almost as much as the nightly sleep interuptions. If there is a next time, I will more than likely formula feed. Don't get me wrong, I whole-heartedly agree that breastfeeding is the best way to go, and at the very least, I would bf the first few days for the colostrum. But I also believe bfing was a big contributing factor to my ppd. I did not deal well with the fact that I was bound 24/7 to my infant, and that she would starve if I was away from her more than a couple hours. (It is pretty terrifying if you really think about that.) Right or wrong, I am not one of those people who thrive on being needed; I have accepted this about myself.

11/01/2006

I've been off bcp's for ten days now and have noticed some changes. My face now regularly has a zit somewhere on it at all times; I usually get one or two zits a month or less. My sex drive is on the increase. Usually, I could live without it and not really miss it. However, since I stopped the pill, I really enjoy it and look forward to being with DH. Hell, I've even instigated it once or twice! [GASP!] My mood also seems better (could be the sex?LOL!). Some other changes I've noticed may or may not have anything to do with getting off bc. I've been feeling a heaviness in my uterus for the last 3 or 4 days, which could be from my body gearing back up to lay eggs. Also, I've noticed a change in bm's...like pooping gravel lately! (sorry, TMI, I know.)

Overall, I feel really good right now. I've been working out 2 or 3 times a week for the last six months or so. My weight is where it should be. I've been taking a multi-vitamin and extra calcium every day. I haven't smoked a cig in almost 18 months, and I've been cutting way down on alcohol consumption. I'm probably the healthiest I've ever been in my adult life.

10/30/2006

***WARNING: TMI***
We had unprotected sex on Saturday. He said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Let's just go with the flow, like you said."

I am strangely calm. If I think too long about it, I get that almost-fell-backwards-in-my-chair feeling. If IT happened on Saturday, then I would be due about July 22.

Just go with the flow. Just go with the flow. (my new mantra)

10/27/2006

DH and I had a nice, long talk last night in bed. It's wonderful being married to my best friend. He has this way of making my burdens so much lighter. Just being able to tell him how I feel about it lowers my anxiety about the whole thing. He says we should just relax, go with the flow and see what happens. I'm stressing too much over it (UNDERSTATEMENT) and I need to just set it aside for now. I'm trying to rush a decision that I'm not ready to make. Whatever we decide, whenever we decide, we will know we've made the right decision.

We also talked about what it was like when we conceived DD. I sometimes feel like I sorta pushed him into it...He laid my fears to rest last night and said he had felt just as strongly about it as I did. He said, "Whatever hormone we were flying high on at the time, I was flying just as high as you!" I told him how I felt after she was born, about feeling worthless, subhuman, ugly, fat, unworthy to be a parent and wife...And I also told him that going back to that scares me more than anything. I can't go to that place again. I've never really gone into too much detail with him about the ppd because I tend to get really upset and cry whenever I talk about it. (Yeah, I did a bit of crying last night.) It felt good to talk about it, to make him understand just a little bit of why I'm scared.

Wanna hear something funny? Just talking to him about my fears and anxiety over the whole thing made me feel more confident that I could do it again.

He truly is my soulmate.

10/26/2006

God, I'm such a whiner. (This observation comes as I read thru my previous entries. Admitting I am a whiner is the first step on the road to recovery, according to my Whiners Anonymous Handbook.)

DH's fave pastime lately is surfing Ebay. He likes checking out all the cool classic cars that he can't afford. He showed me one last night, I think it was like an '81 mustang or something, and was just going on and on about it, like he was trying to talk me into it. Just this past Tuesday he spent 165.00 on a pair of shoes (WTF???) and then took us out to dinner last night, bottle of wine and all, spending over $80. Granted, he got his comission check this week, and it was a good one (by our standards, anyway), but it still freaks me out. So anyhoo, he's going on about what a great deal this car is, and I just looked at him and said, "There is no way we're having another kid. You like spending money too much." (I said it in a light-hearted way, but I was not joking.) He fires back with,"If we had another kid, I wouldn't have money to spend, so you'll have to have another to make me stop!" (Also said in a light-hearted way, but was he also not joking?)

I keep wanting to bring it up, to talk about the matter in a serious way, but it never seems to be the right time...not to mention, I'm a chicken $#*& to even talk about it. I still don't know his thoughts on the matter. It's been a week since our initial conversation. Do you think a week is long enough to stew on it? I don't want to be pushy, especially since me constantly bringing it up is gonna make him think I'm pushing for a "let's do it". But I just want this to be resolved in my mind, one way or the other.

I have battles going on in my head all day. I don't want to have another baby for the wrong reasons. I want to have another baby because it's what we WANT to do. Do I want to? Or do I just WANT to want to? (confused yet?) The only think I know I want for sure is to not make the biggest mistake of my life. What I need to know is which one is the mistake, and that's impossible to know. (My crystal ball is in the shop.) I am more scared of making the wrong decision than I am of actually having another kid.

OMG, I'm whining again.

10/24/2006

Stupid me made the mistake of thumbing thru "What To Expect The First Year." God, how did we ever make it thru her baby years without maiming her? DH says it's a good thing that I was already pregnant before I read it the first time. He's right.

Why do I only remember the bad parts? Why can't I be like most women and just melt at the thought of babies?

I read "Down Came the Rain" by Brooke Shields today. It was like she was telling my story. I'm so scared to go through it again. I don't want to EVER feel like that. And I don't want to lose myself again. I am just now getting back my individuality.

Is there a happy medium out there somewhere? Is it as traumatic the second time around?

Or is it worse, because you know what's coming?

10/23/2006

I was supposed to start a new pack of pills yesterday. I didn't.

10/19/2006

I was a weepy mess yesterday afternoon. Why am I feeling like this? My husband evidently did not realize how upset this whole thing has been making me feel. He curled up with me on the bed and we talked a little. He said he wants a little time to think about how he feels about having another child before we decide what to do. He does have a point...I've been thinking about this for months, whereas he has only been aware of my doubts for a week or so. I have conditioned him to not even consider it a possibility, so he hasn't given it one bit of thought in a couple years or more.

He did suggest that I go ahead and stop the pill. (YIKES!) That way, if we decide we want to try again, my body will be ready. We can use alternate protection until we make a decision.

When we got pregnant with Mackenzie, I had been off the pill for several months. I had not been in a long-term relationship for a few years, and I was using condoms anyway, so at the time I thought it pointless to mess with my hormones. THEN, I met my soulmate. I knew within a few days of meeting him that he was THE ONE. He was the man I wanted to be the father of my children, the man I wanted to grow old with. I'd never been so sure of anything before, nor have I since. Incredibly, he felt the same, and as crazy as it sounds, we started trying to get pregnant right away. After only knowing each other 4 months, we were expecting a baby. (I like to compare it to putting on a blindfold and running toward the edge of a cliff.) Miraculously, we made it through and our marriage survived.

In retrospect, I know this was a huge contributing factor in my difficulty with adjusting to motherhood. I was not only learning to be a mom, but I was getting to know a new husband. (For future reference: NOT AN IDEAL SITUATION.) This makes me think that it really would'nt be as bad as the first time.

Oh, yeah, and my brother's wife called me last night and said they were not pregnant, and would probably not be trying again. She said that she has been trying to talk my brother into having another child for over a year, but the minute she thought they might be pregnant, she was terrifed and thinking, what in the #$%& am I doing?!? Yeah, me too. What the #$%& am I doing??

10/18/2006

Six Months Later...


It's six months later and I am still struggling with this. Why can't I let it go?

My brother told me last week that he and his wife are trying again. Their youngest will be 9 in February, the oldest will be 11 in April (that's a picture of them above). The question of having a second child has been in my mind for many months now, and this bit of information just stirred it all back up again.

I tried to talk to DH last night. He refuses to talk about it. He says that I'm wanting him to make the decision for us, and he won't do it. He says it's fine with him whatever I decide. Damn him, so it's fair for him to make ME decide by myself?!? What I can't seem to make him understand is that my feelings on the subject are VERY MUCH influenced by what HE feels!! He says he's beginning to think I do this to mess with his head. He says he's gotten to the point where one child is just fine with him, then I do a complete turn around on him. So much for coming to him when something is bothering me. It's been an issue in our marriage that I clam up when I'm upset and I don't talk to him about things. Well, I go to him for help and this is what I get.

I'm so scared. I feel so overwhelmingly unsure of myself. I feel so alone. I can't take on this decision by myself. I need him, dammit! Don't do this to me, just because you think I will blame you if we make the wrong decision!!!

It would be so much easier if I were just eaten up with baby lust like I was the first time. There was no decision. I just KNEW it was the right thing to do. Why don't I just KNOW this time??

Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy?!?!?

I think I'll just go have a nervous breakdown.

5/02/2006

I had a profound thought yesterday. I love my daughter, but I hate parenthood, and that's OKAY. I have beat myself up emotionally over this, thinking that I was somehow disloyal to DD, or didn't love her enough because I felt like this.

[WARNING: I'm gonna rant here. Do not read any further if you think you might be offended because I'm getting it off my chest.]

But you know what, I'm tired of feeling guilty. As women, we are constantly bombarded by the media, our family and our friends (and complete strangers for crying out loud!) about the virtues of motherhood, how incredibly enriched and complete our lives will be when we have children (always plural!), and how it will be the best thing to ever happen to us...blah blah blah. I had visions of a beautiful, perfect little family, DH and I falling in love with this little angel, living happily ever after...I poured over "What to expect the first year" and every other childcare book available, and I felt confident that I could handle this new life, and would enjoy being a parent.

Well, I don't know about you, but I felt nothing like any of that crap. I felt like someone had come in and dropped a bomb in my life, then left me standing there to figure out how to pick up the pieces. Everything that I knew about myself changed. I was no longer a person, an adult. I was a MOTHER. I gave up my body, my freedom, my sanity, my sex life, my friendships, my hobbies, my career plans, my spontaneity, my sleep, even my cute little two-seater car (no room for a car seat!), ...basically my entire life as I had ever known it. Where was THAT chapter in "What To Expect"???? Did anyone tell me it would be like that? No, not even my own mother, who is my best friend in the world. People who were already parents would get that "you're-gonna-get-it-now" smile, and they might even tell you that your life is about to completely change. But no one ever tells you what it's really like. You know why? Because we probably wouldn't do it.

And the sad thing is, I suspect alot of parents feel like this (I know most of my girlfriends do!) but we are so conditioned to think that parenthood is the be-all end-all most rewarding thing we will ever do that we are afraid to admit how really awful it really is. And when we do talk about it, we always say, "but it's all worth it."

And to a point, it is worth it. But if someone had given my pre-parent self a glimpse of what I would be like after the baby, I probably would've seriously considered not doing it.

Now, having said this, and before you get all wadded up and start sending me hate mail, I would not go back and trade any of this for my daughter. None of us would!! In the long run, kids really are worth every bit of the suffering and sacrifice. But why can't we be more honest with each other about how hard it is? How bad it can get sometimes? Why are we made to feel guilty if we don't fully enjoy every stinking minute of the process? It doesn't make us love our kids any less, or make us bad parents.

If anything, it might make us better parents.

4/28/2006

So my daughter evidently has been polling her classmates about little sisters. When I picked her up from Grandma's on Wed. afternoon, she promptly informed me that she has decided she does NOT want a baby sister, "because Matthew has 3 of them and says they're nothing but a pain!"

Have I said what an incredibly cool kid she is??? I love to watch her when she thinks no one is around. When she got home yesterday afternoon, she was a little miffed because her mid-term report from her teacher was all A's except for writing. So she gets a piece of paper and pencil and lays down on the floor, on her tummy, propped up on her elbows, and practices her handwriting. No one told her to do this. She has decided for herself that she needs practice on handwriting so her grade will be an A next time. My little perfectionist.

Anyway, I sit back and watch her. I love the way she swings her skinny little legs back and forth, curling her toes with their chipped blue polish. I love how her blond hair is pulled back in a disheveled ponytail that she did all by herself. I love that furrowed brow as she concentrates on improving her handwriting. Sometimes I just want to soak her up, to absorb all the little things she does, because I know I'm going to blink my eyes and she'll no longer be my baby girl. She'll be a 14-yr-old who knows everything and hates her mom.

Is this my problem? I'm scared of my baby growing up? Even if I had another baby, that baby would grow up, too. [SIGH.]

But the overwhelming love and pride I feel when I look at my daughter...Nothing beats that incredible feeling. I gave birth to that little girl. I helped make her what she is. I try to imagine what it must be like to feel that way about 2 or 3 or 4 kids. Wow.

4/26/2006

Just found a pretty good article: http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/content/qanda/anotherbaby.htm
Yesterday afternoon, I pulled out my daughter's baby scrapbook and flipped through it twice.

Could we do this again? Would I be a better parent this time around? Or would it be the same as it was with DD...Mommy is always stressed out and she has no patience for those who need her the most. How does anyone purposely make the decision to go through it more than once???

God, please help me see the right path. Point me in the right direction.

I wish my husband had a uterus, then this would be a no-brainer.

4/25/2006

I feel pretty good today. I went home from work early yesterday, so I had an afternoon to myself to get some grocery shopping done (yes I lead a cutting-edge life). I even snuck in a little nap. It wasn't hard to get out of work, since I looked like total hell after crying all night Sunday. But I feel a sense of peace today. If I were about 5 or more years younger, I would do it. I would have another baby. But at this point in my life, I am settled in and happy and feel complete. My husband is right - the problem lies not in how I feel, but in accepting how others feel. I've never really been one to consider other's opinions of me, so this was a real eye-opening thought. I guess I'm more influenced by societal norms than I want to admit. As I said yesterday, DH and I are the type of people who should have children. But there's alot of older children out there who need a home and parents. Would this be an option for us, I wonder? Would we be allowed to adopt even though we don't have any fertility issues? We live in a rural community, and our local children's services agency is always looking for foster parents. Would I be strong enough to consider this as an option??

4/24/2006




Wow, what a weekend. Saturday, DD and I went horseback riding with her Brownie troop. SO much fun!! I love this time in her life. We can do stuff together. She did great! No fears whatsoever. I am in awe of my child sometimes.

Saturday evening, the three of us went to some friends' home for a cookout and a little guitar playing (no talent here, other than listening!). This couple are about 2 yrs younger than DH and me, and have an 8 mo old daughter (that's her with my daughter above). My DD just fawned all over this baby. Made me a nervous wreck. I was hoping so badly that when I saw that baby, something would jump in my soul. Well, it did. It was fear. It was relief that I was thru that.

I cried during Mass yesterday. I went by myself (dd was not feeling so hot), sat on the front row as usual. (DH usually sings, so it's just habit to sit up front.) Well, Father Ted's homily is naturally about birth and rebirth and the innocence of children. It is Easter season, ya know. So he points out one of the younger kids to come up front. Little Samuel is the next-to-youngest of 11 children. His mother is my age. Father Ted asks us, "What do you want for Samuel? What do you wish for him in the future?" And I just lost it. I felt like the most selfish bitch in the world. DH and I are exactly the kind of people who SHOULD be having children, to raise and love and send out into the world to make it a better place. And the only reasons I don't want a baby are very selfish ones. Am I a self-centered, selfish person?

So I curled up in DH's arms last night and cried and poured out my heart. Can I just tell you that I am married to the most wonderful man in the world? He asked me the reasons why I wanted another child. I said, for DD to have a sibling, for him to have another child, and so I wouldn't have all my eggs in one basket (for lack of a better way to put it). He said, these are all reasons why everyone else thinks you should have a baby. Why do YOU want to have another baby? I said, I don't.

I don't. It came out of my mouth before I knew it. It is my gut feeling. But I have such a bad history with major, life-changing decisions, doing what I want instead of what I should. So naturally, my second gut feeling is that I'm wrong.

DH says I'm too hard on myself, that I'm taking on the weight of the world. Neither decision is right or wrong, he says. And even if there is one right decision, we will never know if we chose the right one because we can only take one fork in the road. You either do it or you don't. And either way, you're still gonna look back and play the "Shoulda-Coulda-Woulda" game.

See why I love him so much????

4/21/2006


Periodically, my DD plays the "I want a baby sister" card. In the car yesterday afternoon, she brings it up again. So I asked her, "What if you had a baby brother?" She said, "a brother would be okay." I explained that the process is not very simple...We can't just run to wal-mart and pick up a new baby sister. (She has a very basic understanding of how babies are made, but beyond that, the whole process is foreign.)

So later on last night, I decided to go for a walk by myself. When I got back, my daughter was distraught (sp?) because she missed me and she really wanted me home (I was gone 20min!) and on and on, hanging on to my legs. I said,"Now, you know that if you had a baby sister, Mommy wouldn't be all yours anymore. You would have to share Mommy." [Pause to let those wheels turn.] Very seriously, she says, "I don't want a baby sister." And that was that in her mind.

Another issue I would face if I have another child is my childcare situation. I have been so incredibly fortunate because my MIL and SIL have always watched DD at no cost to us. There's no way we could afford to pay for childcare. Of course, now, with DD in school most of the time and with me getting off work at 4pm, they only have to pick her up from school and watch her for an hour on most days. But my MIL is aging, she's in her mid 60's and not in the best of health. My SIL just sent her only child off to college and is wanting to travel a little and do other things. Due to some fairly stupid financial choices, we can't afford for me to stay home (and I would love to!!). I can't be so presumptious to think that I could expect my MIL and SIL to watch a new baby.

4/20/2006

I've been doing some research online. Right now I am taking bupropion (wellbutrin) for depression symptoms. The FDA lists this medication as a class B as far as it's safety level during pregnancy. What this means is that it is presumed safe for the developing fetus, but this presumption is based on animal testing only - no human testing has been done. According to my research online (gotta love google), a study monitoring pregnant women on wellbutrin vs. pregnant women on no medication shows that the percentage for birth defects or miscarriages was the same for both groups. However, there were more cases of heart defects in the wellbutrin group than the control group. Furthermore, wellbutrin does affect breastmilk. So there's one more thing to ponder.

4/19/2006


I am struggling hard with the decision to have a second child.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this. And by someone, I mean someone who's been here, done that. Someone who has no personal interest in the outcome of my decision.

Let me back up and give a little background. I am going to be 37 in June. I have a beautiful, perfect 7 yr old daughter and a wonderful husband. For the past seven years, I have held fast to my guns that I wanted NO MORE BABIES. But for some reason, in the last couple of months, I've begun to question my decision.

My pregnancy and delivery with my DD was textbook. No problems whatsoever, not even morning sickness. I even went into labor at midnight on my due date. My fear of a second child has nothing to do with this part of the process.

The part that I never wanted to experience again was the whole baby thing. I hated being at the whim of a tiny, helpless little thing. I hated nursing. I hated having to pack a suitcase everytime I wanted to run up the street. The majority of this attitude was due to severe post-partum depression, as I now know, but even now, as I type this, I have tears in my eyes and a knot in my stomach just remembering what I felt like. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world. How could I possibly be any good at all if I cringed every time I heard my daughter cry? Do you know how hard it is for me to even admit this annonymously? I know that most of you have the words "heartless bitch" going thru your minds right now.

Don't get me wrong. My daughter is the most important person in this world to me and I love her more than life itself. I would die for her. That's why it even enters my mind to consider a second child. I want a second child so that DD will have a sibling, someone she can hold on to when we're gone, someone she can grow up with and love as only siblings can love each other. I want my husband to have a son, at the very least the second child he's always wanted. And I know I would love another child just as much as I love my first one.

But I'm getting older. And I love the fact that my daughter is becoming so self-efficient. Do I really want to backtrack that far? Do I really want to do diapers and breastfeeding and carseats and baby bags and bottles and sleepless nights all over again? I'd be fairly close to 38 when I delivered, and that's betting I'd conceive right away. Do the math: I would be 60 before this child would be finished with college. And how about the risk of pregnancy at my age, and having a perfectly healthy baby? I'm terrified that I got too lucky the first time.

Back and forth, back and forth I go with this. My husband is no help. Yes, he wanted a second child, but says he's content with one. So he says it's up to me, I'm the momma, he'll support my decision either way. Thanks alot. I've prayed and prayed. Give me a sign, Lord. I wish I would just turn up pregnant so the decision would already be made for me.