God, I'm such a whiner. (This observation comes as I read thru my previous entries. Admitting I am a whiner is the first step on the road to recovery, according to my Whiners Anonymous Handbook.)

DH's fave pastime lately is surfing Ebay. He likes checking out all the cool classic cars that he can't afford. He showed me one last night, I think it was like an '81 mustang or something, and was just going on and on about it, like he was trying to talk me into it. Just this past Tuesday he spent 165.00 on a pair of shoes (WTF???) and then took us out to dinner last night, bottle of wine and all, spending over $80. Granted, he got his comission check this week, and it was a good one (by our standards, anyway), but it still freaks me out. So anyhoo, he's going on about what a great deal this car is, and I just looked at him and said, "There is no way we're having another kid. You like spending money too much." (I said it in a light-hearted way, but I was not joking.) He fires back with,"If we had another kid, I wouldn't have money to spend, so you'll have to have another to make me stop!" (Also said in a light-hearted way, but was he also not joking?)

I keep wanting to bring it up, to talk about the matter in a serious way, but it never seems to be the right time...not to mention, I'm a chicken $#*& to even talk about it. I still don't know his thoughts on the matter. It's been a week since our initial conversation. Do you think a week is long enough to stew on it? I don't want to be pushy, especially since me constantly bringing it up is gonna make him think I'm pushing for a "let's do it". But I just want this to be resolved in my mind, one way or the other.

I have battles going on in my head all day. I don't want to have another baby for the wrong reasons. I want to have another baby because it's what we WANT to do. Do I want to? Or do I just WANT to want to? (confused yet?) The only think I know I want for sure is to not make the biggest mistake of my life. What I need to know is which one is the mistake, and that's impossible to know. (My crystal ball is in the shop.) I am more scared of making the wrong decision than I am of actually having another kid.

OMG, I'm whining again.