I had a profound thought yesterday. I love my daughter, but I hate parenthood, and that's OKAY. I have beat myself up emotionally over this, thinking that I was somehow disloyal to DD, or didn't love her enough because I felt like this.

[WARNING: I'm gonna rant here. Do not read any further if you think you might be offended because I'm getting it off my chest.]

But you know what, I'm tired of feeling guilty. As women, we are constantly bombarded by the media, our family and our friends (and complete strangers for crying out loud!) about the virtues of motherhood, how incredibly enriched and complete our lives will be when we have children (always plural!), and how it will be the best thing to ever happen to us...blah blah blah. I had visions of a beautiful, perfect little family, DH and I falling in love with this little angel, living happily ever after...I poured over "What to expect the first year" and every other childcare book available, and I felt confident that I could handle this new life, and would enjoy being a parent.

Well, I don't know about you, but I felt nothing like any of that crap. I felt like someone had come in and dropped a bomb in my life, then left me standing there to figure out how to pick up the pieces. Everything that I knew about myself changed. I was no longer a person, an adult. I was a MOTHER. I gave up my body, my freedom, my sanity, my sex life, my friendships, my hobbies, my career plans, my spontaneity, my sleep, even my cute little two-seater car (no room for a car seat!), ...basically my entire life as I had ever known it. Where was THAT chapter in "What To Expect"???? Did anyone tell me it would be like that? No, not even my own mother, who is my best friend in the world. People who were already parents would get that "you're-gonna-get-it-now" smile, and they might even tell you that your life is about to completely change. But no one ever tells you what it's really like. You know why? Because we probably wouldn't do it.

And the sad thing is, I suspect alot of parents feel like this (I know most of my girlfriends do!) but we are so conditioned to think that parenthood is the be-all end-all most rewarding thing we will ever do that we are afraid to admit how really awful it really is. And when we do talk about it, we always say, "but it's all worth it."

And to a point, it is worth it. But if someone had given my pre-parent self a glimpse of what I would be like after the baby, I probably would've seriously considered not doing it.

Now, having said this, and before you get all wadded up and start sending me hate mail, I would not go back and trade any of this for my daughter. None of us would!! In the long run, kids really are worth every bit of the suffering and sacrifice. But why can't we be more honest with each other about how hard it is? How bad it can get sometimes? Why are we made to feel guilty if we don't fully enjoy every stinking minute of the process? It doesn't make us love our kids any less, or make us bad parents.

If anything, it might make us better parents.