CD20. I am a pendulum. Back and forth, back and forth. One minute I'm totally convinced I'm pregnant. Five minutes later I am convinced I'm not. SIGH. Look at what I have reduced myself to. I did it again. I took a pg test knowing I'm no where near close enough to af to be doing that. Negative of course. DUH. I think next time I should just pee on a $5 bill and flush it for all the good it does.

My nips are still very sensitive, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's not because I can't stop touching them, checking for changes. They tingle. The rest of my boob is not too sensitive or sore, just the nip. This is day 3 for sore nips. (Am I getting a little obsessed with my nips???)

I have also been pretty touchy mood-wise, but I cannot count this as anything since I'm usually all over the place with my mood anyway. I bit poor dd's head off last night, scared the shit out of her when I screamed, "just eat the damn sugar cookie!" It was like someone else's screechy shriek booming from my throat. I even felt the snap. God I'm such a witch. I apologized. But I'm still a witch.

I think I have an idea what dh's big Christmas gift might be. He forgets that ebay emails come to my email address, not his. He's bidding on a child's PFD (personal floatation device). We were dreaming of canoes and kayaks late this summer, doing alot of "window" shopping but knowing it just wasn't in the budget quite yet. I bet you a million dollars he's bought a canoe or a couple kayaks. Wouldn't that be just great if I did turn up pregnant. The damn boat would be old and worn out before I got to use it. You don't see many infants going down the creek, now do ya?

My boobs are sore. Which in itself is no big deal, they sometimes get a little sore before AF. But they are a weird sore. The nips are overly-sensitive.

I hate this part. The two-week wait. I remember this from trying to get pregnant with DD. You tune into your body so hard that you over-analyze every single twinge, pain and gas bubble that goes thru your body, convinced it's a sign that you're pregnant. I hate being that person.

Oh, and guess what??? DH's best friend N and his wife are pregnant! That was quick, they just started trying in September.

cd16. I love getting to sleep in and snuggle in the bed with dh on Saturday mornings. Nothing like a little Saturday morning shuffle, know what I mean? So in the heat of the moment this morning, dh says, "Let's make this one count. You are definitely ovulating!" How in the hell does he know that??? More than likely, I am, according to where I am at in the cycle and how my cm looks. But he's so sure of it. Hmmm....Afterward, he pulled my legs up and shook them, saying, "Get down in there, guys!"

He came home from work yesterday, all excited because he bought my Christmas present yesterday. God love him, he usually waits until Christmas Eve because he just can't stand to wait until we open our gifts. This next month will kill him! Hopefully, my Christmas present to him was "purchased" today....If I am pregnant, I will wait until Christmas to tell him. We'll know in a couple weeks.

Today is Thanksgiving.

Today is also the 37th anniversary of the day my older brother was killed when he darted out into the street and was struck by a car. He was 2 years, 3 months, and 13 days old. I was 5 months old. My mother was 21, my dad was 24. My parents had made the bold decision to move to southern Mississippi to work on the clean up and reconstruction after Hurricane Camille. They were hundreds of miles from home. My mom says she looked away for a second. A second. That's all it took to almost completely destroy my family.

Growing up, I was always aware of this cloud that hung over my family around the holidays. I never really understood it, but it had always been there. My parents started fighting more around this time of year. My dad stayed gone more, coming home later and later. My mom hated decorating for Christmas. If you asked Mom what she wanted for Christmas, she always said, "A knock-out pill that lasts until New Year's Day." My dad has always refered to Christmas as "just another damn day". They now spend winter in the Keys. They do not celebrate the holidays.

I didn't fully understand any of this until I had my daughter. Now, when this day comes around, it is not only the loss of my brother's life I mourn; it is the loss of my parents' faith and hope, the loss of their youth.

So on this day of thanksgiving, I am so thankful for my parents. I love you Mom & Dad. I respect you for being survivors. I hope that I have just a fraction of your strength, and I pray that I will never need it. I am also thankful for the health and well-being of my husband and child. I pray that I will feel this grateful and blessed next year, and every year.

Today is DH's birthday. We are now officially the same age again. See, I'm technically older than he is, having been born five months earlier. From June until November, he (lovingly?) refers to me as his old lady. ha. ha. Yeah, laugh it up...I'm not the one going gray, honey.

I'm at cd 12. We've been at it like rabbits, every day since last Thursday. Maybe he'll get an embryo for his birthday.

Four people were laid off at work yesterday. This makes me incredibly nervous because I was the last one hired. Granted, the four positions eliminated were all part-time, and our GM assured all of the rest of us that our jobs were not in jeopardy at the present time. But still.

I'm thinking I will wait few months before asking HR about our maternity leave policy.

Woohoo! Aunt Flow finally hit the road! That bitch overstayed her welcome this time.

TMI Post:
I had forgotten how much I dislike AF. On bcp's, I never had my period for more than three days, and even then it was extremely light, like pantyliner-light. The last two years, I've been skipping the placebo pills and only having a period every three months or so. This month, I've had my first regular period since before DD was conceived. Today is day 5 and I think I'm in for at least another day or two. Ugh. Thank god I haven't had any cramping or other fun PMS symptoms. I've been very lucky in that department thus far in my reproductive life, and hopefully it will stay that way.

DH talked with his best friend N yesterday. N and his wife have a 13-mo-old daughter. Since N works from home, he has been the primary caregiver (if you knew N, you'd be laughing your ass off right now. He swore most of his life he'd never have kids, and here he is with one on his hip all day long!). He told DH that they are actively trying for #2. He also said that their relationship has been a little rocky lately; evidently she is having some mood swings and depression, but doesn't think she needs meds. DH told N about how much better life was when I started taking prozac; Of course, N is smart enough to know that if he tells his wife she should consider meds, he's liable to get his head torn off. So my dh has volunteered me to "politely" mention to her (next time we're all together) how much the drugs helped me and maybe she should give her doc a call. Okay, first of all, I don't consider my relationship with this woman to be close enough to tell her she needs help. I also think about how I would've reacted if some social acquaintance had told me I should get some antidepressants. In hindsight, maybe it would've made me seek medical help alot sooner than I did, but at the time, I think I would've gotten seriously pissed off. What would you do?

AF showed up late Friday night. Yes, I feel disappointed; No, I don't feel devastated. So today is cd4.

We nested pretty hard this weekend. We painted our bedroom & bought a new comforter. LOVE it!! DH also put up ceiling fans in both bedrooms and hung up some much-needed wall hooks in the closet and utility room. Whew! Now we only have 4 areas that need to be painted: utility room, hallway, dd's bathroom and my craft room (which would be the baby's room). Not bad, I guess, even though we've been there 3.5 years!

I took a pregnancy test yesterday. I did this knowing full-well that, if I am pregnant, it will probably be another week until a pg test would show it. But the pee-on-a-stick demon took me over and before I knew it, I was squinting at the stick, searching for pink lines. Negative, of course. I knew better. Will you just look at me?!? Why am I so anxious? Sometimes I just don't understand myself.

Parent-Teacher Conferences were this week. DH and I met with our daughter's teacher on Tuesday night. Here's what we learned: Our daughter is the best student in her class. Now that sounds really great, and it truly is, but we also found out that it's not entirely because she's a brilliant kid. It's because about half of the students in her class have IEP's. Some of the students have learning disabilities, some have behavioral issues, some have serious problems at home.

To satisfy some pissy parents, our elementary school holds a "sign up" at the end of the school year for parents who want to request a particular teacher for the next year. Because it is first-come-first-serve, parents start lining up about an hour or more beforehand, like they're trying to buy tickets to a sold-out concert or something. I suffered through this process to choose her first grade teacher, and dd did get the teacher I requested; But of all the parents I talked with about this (most of whom were in line way ahead of me!), I was the only one who got my first choice. Basically this sign up thing is bullshit. I did not bother doing it this year.

So here's how it went down: This is her teacher's first year at this school, and pretty much what happened is all the other second-grade teachers picked through the students who signed up, chose who they wanted, and left everyone else to the new teacher. That's pretty shitty.

I know her teacher has no problem dealing with students who have special needs. She has a degree in Special Education, and taught Special Ed. at her last position. Furthermore, I think intergrating these kids into the regular classrooms is one of the best things to happen to our educational system in a long time. But when you have that many special needs students in one classroom, it's hard enough to give each of them the one-on-one attention they need, but it's damn near impossible to do without holding back the progress of the other kids. This is a lose-lose situation.

My daughter is a sponge...She absorbs information as fast as you can throw it at her. She loves to learn and read and experience new things every day. And now she's BORED. And that really pisses me off. It is not her teacher's fault. Her teacher is doing the best she can. It boils down to the way crap goes down in this school system - the politics, the good ol' boy network, the under-the-table favors. And all of our kids suffer because of it.

Anyway, my reason for even writing about this was not to bitch but to tell a story that shows what an awesome, loving, beautiful child we have.

Her teacher told us that she has "assigned" DD a "special project". Now I'm thinking, book report? extra math? Nothing like that.

One of the students is autistic, and won't talk beyond an occasional whispered word to the teacher. The teacher has seated DD next to this little girl in hopes that my daughter's outgoing and friendly personality will help her. As the teacher is telling us about this, she starts to choke up and tears form in her eyes. She tells us that it is amazing how DD has taken this sweet little girl under her wing, helping her with classwork when she needs it, defending her against the ugly remarks from bullying kids. This little girl trusts my daughter enough to talk to her when she will not speak to anyone else. The coolest part of this is the fact that my daughter has no idea what autism is, or that this little girl is any different than herself. She doesn't know her teacher had a special purpose in seating them together. She just saw someone who needed a friend.

She never ceases to blow my mind. I ache with love and pride.

Not alot new. AF should make her appearance sometime next week, assuming I had a half-way normal cycle. This is my first time off bcp's in 7 years, so only time will tell. Of course, if I DID have a fairly normal cycle, I could be pregnant and not even know it. We haven't used any bc at all since I stopped the pills, and we've been dtd pretty regularly. I am feeling very calm about this, and that really surprises me. I might even be a tiny bit disappointed if AF shows up. (SSSHHHH...don't you dare tell anybody, they will call you a liar! LOL!)

I told DH that if we do this, he gets night shift. (He's up half the night now as it is, and I swear that man can fall back asleep in less than a minute!) I find this only fair! If I go thru 40 weeks of pregnancy and 18 hours of labor, the least he can do is get up in the middle of the night, right? With DD, I breastfed until she was almost 3 months old, so I didn't have much choice but to get up. I tried pumping a bottle so dh could do the night feedings, but I dreaded the pumping almost as much as the nightly sleep interuptions. If there is a next time, I will more than likely formula feed. Don't get me wrong, I whole-heartedly agree that breastfeeding is the best way to go, and at the very least, I would bf the first few days for the colostrum. But I also believe bfing was a big contributing factor to my ppd. I did not deal well with the fact that I was bound 24/7 to my infant, and that she would starve if I was away from her more than a couple hours. (It is pretty terrifying if you really think about that.) Right or wrong, I am not one of those people who thrive on being needed; I have accepted this about myself.

I've been off bcp's for ten days now and have noticed some changes. My face now regularly has a zit somewhere on it at all times; I usually get one or two zits a month or less. My sex drive is on the increase. Usually, I could live without it and not really miss it. However, since I stopped the pill, I really enjoy it and look forward to being with DH. Hell, I've even instigated it once or twice! [GASP!] My mood also seems better (could be the sex?LOL!). Some other changes I've noticed may or may not have anything to do with getting off bc. I've been feeling a heaviness in my uterus for the last 3 or 4 days, which could be from my body gearing back up to lay eggs. Also, I've noticed a change in bm's...like pooping gravel lately! (sorry, TMI, I know.)

Overall, I feel really good right now. I've been working out 2 or 3 times a week for the last six months or so. My weight is where it should be. I've been taking a multi-vitamin and extra calcium every day. I haven't smoked a cig in almost 18 months, and I've been cutting way down on alcohol consumption. I'm probably the healthiest I've ever been in my adult life.

***WARNING: TMI***
We had unprotected sex on Saturday. He said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Let's just go with the flow, like you said."

I am strangely calm. If I think too long about it, I get that almost-fell-backwards-in-my-chair feeling. If IT happened on Saturday, then I would be due about July 22.

Just go with the flow. Just go with the flow. (my new mantra)

DH and I had a nice, long talk last night in bed. It's wonderful being married to my best friend. He has this way of making my burdens so much lighter. Just being able to tell him how I feel about it lowers my anxiety about the whole thing. He says we should just relax, go with the flow and see what happens. I'm stressing too much over it (UNDERSTATEMENT) and I need to just set it aside for now. I'm trying to rush a decision that I'm not ready to make. Whatever we decide, whenever we decide, we will know we've made the right decision.

We also talked about what it was like when we conceived DD. I sometimes feel like I sorta pushed him into it...He laid my fears to rest last night and said he had felt just as strongly about it as I did. He said, "Whatever hormone we were flying high on at the time, I was flying just as high as you!" I told him how I felt after she was born, about feeling worthless, subhuman, ugly, fat, unworthy to be a parent and wife...And I also told him that going back to that scares me more than anything. I can't go to that place again. I've never really gone into too much detail with him about the ppd because I tend to get really upset and cry whenever I talk about it. (Yeah, I did a bit of crying last night.) It felt good to talk about it, to make him understand just a little bit of why I'm scared.

Wanna hear something funny? Just talking to him about my fears and anxiety over the whole thing made me feel more confident that I could do it again.

He truly is my soulmate.

God, I'm such a whiner. (This observation comes as I read thru my previous entries. Admitting I am a whiner is the first step on the road to recovery, according to my Whiners Anonymous Handbook.)

DH's fave pastime lately is surfing Ebay. He likes checking out all the cool classic cars that he can't afford. He showed me one last night, I think it was like an '81 mustang or something, and was just going on and on about it, like he was trying to talk me into it. Just this past Tuesday he spent 165.00 on a pair of shoes (WTF???) and then took us out to dinner last night, bottle of wine and all, spending over $80. Granted, he got his comission check this week, and it was a good one (by our standards, anyway), but it still freaks me out. So anyhoo, he's going on about what a great deal this car is, and I just looked at him and said, "There is no way we're having another kid. You like spending money too much." (I said it in a light-hearted way, but I was not joking.) He fires back with,"If we had another kid, I wouldn't have money to spend, so you'll have to have another to make me stop!" (Also said in a light-hearted way, but was he also not joking?)

I keep wanting to bring it up, to talk about the matter in a serious way, but it never seems to be the right time...not to mention, I'm a chicken $#*& to even talk about it. I still don't know his thoughts on the matter. It's been a week since our initial conversation. Do you think a week is long enough to stew on it? I don't want to be pushy, especially since me constantly bringing it up is gonna make him think I'm pushing for a "let's do it". But I just want this to be resolved in my mind, one way or the other.

I have battles going on in my head all day. I don't want to have another baby for the wrong reasons. I want to have another baby because it's what we WANT to do. Do I want to? Or do I just WANT to want to? (confused yet?) The only think I know I want for sure is to not make the biggest mistake of my life. What I need to know is which one is the mistake, and that's impossible to know. (My crystal ball is in the shop.) I am more scared of making the wrong decision than I am of actually having another kid.

OMG, I'm whining again.

Stupid me made the mistake of thumbing thru "What To Expect The First Year." God, how did we ever make it thru her baby years without maiming her? DH says it's a good thing that I was already pregnant before I read it the first time. He's right.

Why do I only remember the bad parts? Why can't I be like most women and just melt at the thought of babies?

I read "Down Came the Rain" by Brooke Shields today. It was like she was telling my story. I'm so scared to go through it again. I don't want to EVER feel like that. And I don't want to lose myself again. I am just now getting back my individuality.

Is there a happy medium out there somewhere? Is it as traumatic the second time around?

Or is it worse, because you know what's coming?

I was supposed to start a new pack of pills yesterday. I didn't.

I was a weepy mess yesterday afternoon. Why am I feeling like this? My husband evidently did not realize how upset this whole thing has been making me feel. He curled up with me on the bed and we talked a little. He said he wants a little time to think about how he feels about having another child before we decide what to do. He does have a point...I've been thinking about this for months, whereas he has only been aware of my doubts for a week or so. I have conditioned him to not even consider it a possibility, so he hasn't given it one bit of thought in a couple years or more.

He did suggest that I go ahead and stop the pill. (YIKES!) That way, if we decide we want to try again, my body will be ready. We can use alternate protection until we make a decision.

When we got pregnant with Mackenzie, I had been off the pill for several months. I had not been in a long-term relationship for a few years, and I was using condoms anyway, so at the time I thought it pointless to mess with my hormones. THEN, I met my soulmate. I knew within a few days of meeting him that he was THE ONE. He was the man I wanted to be the father of my children, the man I wanted to grow old with. I'd never been so sure of anything before, nor have I since. Incredibly, he felt the same, and as crazy as it sounds, we started trying to get pregnant right away. After only knowing each other 4 months, we were expecting a baby. (I like to compare it to putting on a blindfold and running toward the edge of a cliff.) Miraculously, we made it through and our marriage survived.

In retrospect, I know this was a huge contributing factor in my difficulty with adjusting to motherhood. I was not only learning to be a mom, but I was getting to know a new husband. (For future reference: NOT AN IDEAL SITUATION.) This makes me think that it really would'nt be as bad as the first time.

Oh, yeah, and my brother's wife called me last night and said they were not pregnant, and would probably not be trying again. She said that she has been trying to talk my brother into having another child for over a year, but the minute she thought they might be pregnant, she was terrifed and thinking, what in the #$%& am I doing?!? Yeah, me too. What the #$%& am I doing??

Six Months Later...

It's six months later and I am still struggling with this. Why can't I let it go?

My brother told me last week that he and his wife are trying again. Their youngest will be 9 in February, the oldest will be 11 in April (that's a picture of them above). The question of having a second child has been in my mind for many months now, and this bit of information just stirred it all back up again.

I tried to talk to DH last night. He refuses to talk about it. He says that I'm wanting him to make the decision for us, and he won't do it. He says it's fine with him whatever I decide. Damn him, so it's fair for him to make ME decide by myself?!? What I can't seem to make him understand is that my feelings on the subject are VERY MUCH influenced by what HE feels!! He says he's beginning to think I do this to mess with his head. He says he's gotten to the point where one child is just fine with him, then I do a complete turn around on him. So much for coming to him when something is bothering me. It's been an issue in our marriage that I clam up when I'm upset and I don't talk to him about things. Well, I go to him for help and this is what I get.

I'm so scared. I feel so overwhelmingly unsure of myself. I feel so alone. I can't take on this decision by myself. I need him, dammit! Don't do this to me, just because you think I will blame you if we make the wrong decision!!!

It would be so much easier if I were just eaten up with baby lust like I was the first time. There was no decision. I just KNEW it was the right thing to do. Why don't I just KNOW this time??

Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy?!?!?

I think I'll just go have a nervous breakdown.