***WARNING: TMI***
We had unprotected sex on Saturday. He said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Let's just go with the flow, like you said."

I am strangely calm. If I think too long about it, I get that almost-fell-backwards-in-my-chair feeling. If IT happened on Saturday, then I would be due about July 22.

Just go with the flow. Just go with the flow. (my new mantra)

DH and I had a nice, long talk last night in bed. It's wonderful being married to my best friend. He has this way of making my burdens so much lighter. Just being able to tell him how I feel about it lowers my anxiety about the whole thing. He says we should just relax, go with the flow and see what happens. I'm stressing too much over it (UNDERSTATEMENT) and I need to just set it aside for now. I'm trying to rush a decision that I'm not ready to make. Whatever we decide, whenever we decide, we will know we've made the right decision.

We also talked about what it was like when we conceived DD. I sometimes feel like I sorta pushed him into it...He laid my fears to rest last night and said he had felt just as strongly about it as I did. He said, "Whatever hormone we were flying high on at the time, I was flying just as high as you!" I told him how I felt after she was born, about feeling worthless, subhuman, ugly, fat, unworthy to be a parent and wife...And I also told him that going back to that scares me more than anything. I can't go to that place again. I've never really gone into too much detail with him about the ppd because I tend to get really upset and cry whenever I talk about it. (Yeah, I did a bit of crying last night.) It felt good to talk about it, to make him understand just a little bit of why I'm scared.

Wanna hear something funny? Just talking to him about my fears and anxiety over the whole thing made me feel more confident that I could do it again.

He truly is my soulmate.

God, I'm such a whiner. (This observation comes as I read thru my previous entries. Admitting I am a whiner is the first step on the road to recovery, according to my Whiners Anonymous Handbook.)

DH's fave pastime lately is surfing Ebay. He likes checking out all the cool classic cars that he can't afford. He showed me one last night, I think it was like an '81 mustang or something, and was just going on and on about it, like he was trying to talk me into it. Just this past Tuesday he spent 165.00 on a pair of shoes (WTF???) and then took us out to dinner last night, bottle of wine and all, spending over $80. Granted, he got his comission check this week, and it was a good one (by our standards, anyway), but it still freaks me out. So anyhoo, he's going on about what a great deal this car is, and I just looked at him and said, "There is no way we're having another kid. You like spending money too much." (I said it in a light-hearted way, but I was not joking.) He fires back with,"If we had another kid, I wouldn't have money to spend, so you'll have to have another to make me stop!" (Also said in a light-hearted way, but was he also not joking?)

I keep wanting to bring it up, to talk about the matter in a serious way, but it never seems to be the right time...not to mention, I'm a chicken $#*& to even talk about it. I still don't know his thoughts on the matter. It's been a week since our initial conversation. Do you think a week is long enough to stew on it? I don't want to be pushy, especially since me constantly bringing it up is gonna make him think I'm pushing for a "let's do it". But I just want this to be resolved in my mind, one way or the other.

I have battles going on in my head all day. I don't want to have another baby for the wrong reasons. I want to have another baby because it's what we WANT to do. Do I want to? Or do I just WANT to want to? (confused yet?) The only think I know I want for sure is to not make the biggest mistake of my life. What I need to know is which one is the mistake, and that's impossible to know. (My crystal ball is in the shop.) I am more scared of making the wrong decision than I am of actually having another kid.

OMG, I'm whining again.

Stupid me made the mistake of thumbing thru "What To Expect The First Year." God, how did we ever make it thru her baby years without maiming her? DH says it's a good thing that I was already pregnant before I read it the first time. He's right.

Why do I only remember the bad parts? Why can't I be like most women and just melt at the thought of babies?

I read "Down Came the Rain" by Brooke Shields today. It was like she was telling my story. I'm so scared to go through it again. I don't want to EVER feel like that. And I don't want to lose myself again. I am just now getting back my individuality.

Is there a happy medium out there somewhere? Is it as traumatic the second time around?

Or is it worse, because you know what's coming?

I was supposed to start a new pack of pills yesterday. I didn't.

I was a weepy mess yesterday afternoon. Why am I feeling like this? My husband evidently did not realize how upset this whole thing has been making me feel. He curled up with me on the bed and we talked a little. He said he wants a little time to think about how he feels about having another child before we decide what to do. He does have a point...I've been thinking about this for months, whereas he has only been aware of my doubts for a week or so. I have conditioned him to not even consider it a possibility, so he hasn't given it one bit of thought in a couple years or more.

He did suggest that I go ahead and stop the pill. (YIKES!) That way, if we decide we want to try again, my body will be ready. We can use alternate protection until we make a decision.

When we got pregnant with Mackenzie, I had been off the pill for several months. I had not been in a long-term relationship for a few years, and I was using condoms anyway, so at the time I thought it pointless to mess with my hormones. THEN, I met my soulmate. I knew within a few days of meeting him that he was THE ONE. He was the man I wanted to be the father of my children, the man I wanted to grow old with. I'd never been so sure of anything before, nor have I since. Incredibly, he felt the same, and as crazy as it sounds, we started trying to get pregnant right away. After only knowing each other 4 months, we were expecting a baby. (I like to compare it to putting on a blindfold and running toward the edge of a cliff.) Miraculously, we made it through and our marriage survived.

In retrospect, I know this was a huge contributing factor in my difficulty with adjusting to motherhood. I was not only learning to be a mom, but I was getting to know a new husband. (For future reference: NOT AN IDEAL SITUATION.) This makes me think that it really would'nt be as bad as the first time.

Oh, yeah, and my brother's wife called me last night and said they were not pregnant, and would probably not be trying again. She said that she has been trying to talk my brother into having another child for over a year, but the minute she thought they might be pregnant, she was terrifed and thinking, what in the #$%& am I doing?!? Yeah, me too. What the #$%& am I doing??

Six Months Later...

It's six months later and I am still struggling with this. Why can't I let it go?

My brother told me last week that he and his wife are trying again. Their youngest will be 9 in February, the oldest will be 11 in April (that's a picture of them above). The question of having a second child has been in my mind for many months now, and this bit of information just stirred it all back up again.

I tried to talk to DH last night. He refuses to talk about it. He says that I'm wanting him to make the decision for us, and he won't do it. He says it's fine with him whatever I decide. Damn him, so it's fair for him to make ME decide by myself?!? What I can't seem to make him understand is that my feelings on the subject are VERY MUCH influenced by what HE feels!! He says he's beginning to think I do this to mess with his head. He says he's gotten to the point where one child is just fine with him, then I do a complete turn around on him. So much for coming to him when something is bothering me. It's been an issue in our marriage that I clam up when I'm upset and I don't talk to him about things. Well, I go to him for help and this is what I get.

I'm so scared. I feel so overwhelmingly unsure of myself. I feel so alone. I can't take on this decision by myself. I need him, dammit! Don't do this to me, just because you think I will blame you if we make the wrong decision!!!

It would be so much easier if I were just eaten up with baby lust like I was the first time. There was no decision. I just KNEW it was the right thing to do. Why don't I just KNOW this time??

Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy?!?!?

I think I'll just go have a nervous breakdown.