cd 16. Not sure if/when I o'd. I got a positive OPK on cd 13 & 14, but my temp has yet to rise. hmmm. Nips have been sensitive since Monday, and I've been having mild crampy twinges in my lower belly today. I thought for sure I'd see a temp rise today. Maybe tomorrow.

Time to boogey, baby!

CD10. Well, I received in the mail yesterday my order of OPK's from www.saveontests.com. I took the first one last night, which I did totally wrong. (Read the instructions, dipshit.) Today I tested while at work. I snuck into the bathroom and peed in a styrofoam cup, then made a beeline for my office before anyone saw me. I felt so goofy walking down the hall with a cup o' pee! Anyhoo, got a faint line. Hope this means I'm gearing up to O.

CD 8. DH and I watched this show on TLC last night called "16 Children and Moving In" about this HUGE family building a house big enough for all of them. The parents had 15 kids with one on the way! Holy Crap!!! That woman wasn't running a family, she was running an army! She was a couple years older than me.

Not much on the ttc front. I bought one of those BBT thermometers and have started checking my temp each morning. Today was the third day. When I was trying to get pregnant with dd, I had started temping, but because my work schedule was always out of wack, I never really got a consistent reading. Plus, I ended up pregnant the same month I started temping so I was doing it for nothing anyway. Maybe that's what'll happen this time! Oh, and dh is no longer taking baths because I mentioned to him that hot baths kill the swimmers. He said he's trying to do his part.

I have been avoiding my blog because I just feel so foolish.

Guess who showed up late Monday night? You guessed it, that red-headed bitch named Aunt Flow. Heiffer. I hate her. I was DEVESTATED. I started bawling right there on the toilet. Then I proceded to get rip-roaring drunk. I didn't go to work on Tuesday. I couldn't stop crying.

I was just soooo sure!!! The changes in my body were unlike anything I'd ever experienced before a period. I mean, I got these little bumps on my nips, for crissake! EVERYTHING was swollen! The cramps were horrendous! And all this went on for a full seven days! Very unlike any PMS ever. My system was just overrun with progesterone, I reckon.

I had it all planned out in my mind how to tell the family. My dd had even put "little sister or brother" on her Christmas list! I was going to buy her one of those "Big Sister" t-shirts and wrap it up for Christmas morning. Then, when she wore it to our family's house for Christmas dinner, everyone would see it.

I think this is why I am so devestated. It was soooo perfect.

I can't go through this again.

I am pretty sure I'm pregnant. Let me rephrase that: If af shows up, I will be utterly amazed.

When I woke up this morning my first thought was, I feel pregnant. I've gotten three negative tests now(11/29, 12/1 and 12/2) but I'm only at cd24 and my hormone level may not be high enough to be detected yet. However, my boobs are rounder, the nips are getting these little raised bumps, and the areolas are spreading out in crazy directions. The cramps have died down to just a constant tugging feeling, no longer uncomfortable but I know it's there. My, ahem, nether regions are getting pretty sensitive too. I had forgotten about this really nice perk of pregnancy. DH is really excited!

So how do I feel? Pretty calm, since I don't know for sure. How will I feel when I get that big plus sign? Who knows.

And by the way, my guess on dh's Christmas gift? I was right. He of course caved and showed me pix of the two kayaks he bought, one single and one double. The woman that runs the outfitters where he purchased them told dh not to worry too much about me being pregnant and kayaking. She said she went kayaking all the way thru all of her pregnancies. She's pretty granola though. She's probably one of those supermoms who kayaked over to the bank, gave birth underwater, then tied the kid on her in a sling and paddled along on her merry way. She told us a story one time about caving with her three-month-old daughter! Geez!

CD 22. By the time I got home from work yesterday, my boobs were no longer sore and I started cramping. I took this as a sign that af was on her way any minute. Yes, I was disappointed! Devastated to the point of tears is more like it. My dh said, "If you are, you are, if you aren't, you aren't. [So insightful, isn't he?] Is it really that hard on you?" I turned and shot him my best are-you-a-fucking-idiot glare and said, "Well aren't you lucky that you never have to experience this." He of course gave me a huge hug. They have no idea, do they?

Now today my sore boobs are back and I feel incredibly crappy and crampy. (The crappy is mostly due to the bottle of red wine I drank last night, but still.) Could someone just put me out of my misery for chrissake?!?!? The cramps I can live with; not knowing if I am pregnant or not is agony.

We went to Moyer's Winery and Restaurant last night. They were having a "Sing For Your Supper" night and Ken was invited to sing by his high school music teacher (who happens to be one of the owners of Moyer's). He sang "Ol' Man River" from Showboat. He was great! Now here's the dessert: By the end of everyone's performances, my dd was DEMANDING to get up there and sing Jingle Bells. She would not take no for an answer! The owner's son, sitting at the next table, overheard the commotion and said, "Of course you can, honey!" He took her up front, stood her on a chair, and handed her the microphone. She sang it! I couldn't believe it. Of course, she was off-key and her tempo was off, but the whole room chimed in with her! This child won't even say the prayer at family dinners, and here she is singing in front of at least 50 strangers in the middle of restaurant. So now she's convinced she's a superstar and wants to sing for everybody everywhere! Oh. My. God. I see embarrassing moments in my immediate future.

CD20. I am a pendulum. Back and forth, back and forth. One minute I'm totally convinced I'm pregnant. Five minutes later I am convinced I'm not. SIGH. Look at what I have reduced myself to. I did it again. I took a pg test knowing I'm no where near close enough to af to be doing that. Negative of course. DUH. I think next time I should just pee on a $5 bill and flush it for all the good it does.

My nips are still very sensitive, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's not because I can't stop touching them, checking for changes. They tingle. The rest of my boob is not too sensitive or sore, just the nip. This is day 3 for sore nips. (Am I getting a little obsessed with my nips???)

I have also been pretty touchy mood-wise, but I cannot count this as anything since I'm usually all over the place with my mood anyway. I bit poor dd's head off last night, scared the shit out of her when I screamed, "just eat the damn sugar cookie!" It was like someone else's screechy shriek booming from my throat. I even felt the snap. God I'm such a witch. I apologized. But I'm still a witch.

I think I have an idea what dh's big Christmas gift might be. He forgets that ebay emails come to my email address, not his. He's bidding on a child's PFD (personal floatation device). We were dreaming of canoes and kayaks late this summer, doing alot of "window" shopping but knowing it just wasn't in the budget quite yet. I bet you a million dollars he's bought a canoe or a couple kayaks. Wouldn't that be just great if I did turn up pregnant. The damn boat would be old and worn out before I got to use it. You don't see many infants going down the creek, now do ya?

My boobs are sore. Which in itself is no big deal, they sometimes get a little sore before AF. But they are a weird sore. The nips are overly-sensitive.

I hate this part. The two-week wait. I remember this from trying to get pregnant with DD. You tune into your body so hard that you over-analyze every single twinge, pain and gas bubble that goes thru your body, convinced it's a sign that you're pregnant. I hate being that person.

Oh, and guess what??? DH's best friend N and his wife are pregnant! That was quick, they just started trying in September.

cd16. I love getting to sleep in and snuggle in the bed with dh on Saturday mornings. Nothing like a little Saturday morning shuffle, know what I mean? So in the heat of the moment this morning, dh says, "Let's make this one count. You are definitely ovulating!" How in the hell does he know that??? More than likely, I am, according to where I am at in the cycle and how my cm looks. But he's so sure of it. Hmmm....Afterward, he pulled my legs up and shook them, saying, "Get down in there, guys!"

He came home from work yesterday, all excited because he bought my Christmas present yesterday. God love him, he usually waits until Christmas Eve because he just can't stand to wait until we open our gifts. This next month will kill him! Hopefully, my Christmas present to him was "purchased" today....If I am pregnant, I will wait until Christmas to tell him. We'll know in a couple weeks.

Today is Thanksgiving.

Today is also the 37th anniversary of the day my older brother was killed when he darted out into the street and was struck by a car. He was 2 years, 3 months, and 13 days old. I was 5 months old. My mother was 21, my dad was 24. My parents had made the bold decision to move to southern Mississippi to work on the clean up and reconstruction after Hurricane Camille. They were hundreds of miles from home. My mom says she looked away for a second. A second. That's all it took to almost completely destroy my family.

Growing up, I was always aware of this cloud that hung over my family around the holidays. I never really understood it, but it had always been there. My parents started fighting more around this time of year. My dad stayed gone more, coming home later and later. My mom hated decorating for Christmas. If you asked Mom what she wanted for Christmas, she always said, "A knock-out pill that lasts until New Year's Day." My dad has always refered to Christmas as "just another damn day". They now spend winter in the Keys. They do not celebrate the holidays.

I didn't fully understand any of this until I had my daughter. Now, when this day comes around, it is not only the loss of my brother's life I mourn; it is the loss of my parents' faith and hope, the loss of their youth.

So on this day of thanksgiving, I am so thankful for my parents. I love you Mom & Dad. I respect you for being survivors. I hope that I have just a fraction of your strength, and I pray that I will never need it. I am also thankful for the health and well-being of my husband and child. I pray that I will feel this grateful and blessed next year, and every year.

Today is DH's birthday. We are now officially the same age again. See, I'm technically older than he is, having been born five months earlier. From June until November, he (lovingly?) refers to me as his old lady. ha. ha. Yeah, laugh it up...I'm not the one going gray, honey.

I'm at cd 12. We've been at it like rabbits, every day since last Thursday. Maybe he'll get an embryo for his birthday.

Four people were laid off at work yesterday. This makes me incredibly nervous because I was the last one hired. Granted, the four positions eliminated were all part-time, and our GM assured all of the rest of us that our jobs were not in jeopardy at the present time. But still.

I'm thinking I will wait few months before asking HR about our maternity leave policy.

Woohoo! Aunt Flow finally hit the road! That bitch overstayed her welcome this time.

TMI Post:
I had forgotten how much I dislike AF. On bcp's, I never had my period for more than three days, and even then it was extremely light, like pantyliner-light. The last two years, I've been skipping the placebo pills and only having a period every three months or so. This month, I've had my first regular period since before DD was conceived. Today is day 5 and I think I'm in for at least another day or two. Ugh. Thank god I haven't had any cramping or other fun PMS symptoms. I've been very lucky in that department thus far in my reproductive life, and hopefully it will stay that way.

DH talked with his best friend N yesterday. N and his wife have a 13-mo-old daughter. Since N works from home, he has been the primary caregiver (if you knew N, you'd be laughing your ass off right now. He swore most of his life he'd never have kids, and here he is with one on his hip all day long!). He told DH that they are actively trying for #2. He also said that their relationship has been a little rocky lately; evidently she is having some mood swings and depression, but doesn't think she needs meds. DH told N about how much better life was when I started taking prozac; Of course, N is smart enough to know that if he tells his wife she should consider meds, he's liable to get his head torn off. So my dh has volunteered me to "politely" mention to her (next time we're all together) how much the drugs helped me and maybe she should give her doc a call. Okay, first of all, I don't consider my relationship with this woman to be close enough to tell her she needs help. I also think about how I would've reacted if some social acquaintance had told me I should get some antidepressants. In hindsight, maybe it would've made me seek medical help alot sooner than I did, but at the time, I think I would've gotten seriously pissed off. What would you do?

AF showed up late Friday night. Yes, I feel disappointed; No, I don't feel devastated. So today is cd4.

We nested pretty hard this weekend. We painted our bedroom & bought a new comforter. LOVE it!! DH also put up ceiling fans in both bedrooms and hung up some much-needed wall hooks in the closet and utility room. Whew! Now we only have 4 areas that need to be painted: utility room, hallway, dd's bathroom and my craft room (which would be the baby's room). Not bad, I guess, even though we've been there 3.5 years!

I took a pregnancy test yesterday. I did this knowing full-well that, if I am pregnant, it will probably be another week until a pg test would show it. But the pee-on-a-stick demon took me over and before I knew it, I was squinting at the stick, searching for pink lines. Negative, of course. I knew better. Will you just look at me?!? Why am I so anxious? Sometimes I just don't understand myself.

Parent-Teacher Conferences were this week. DH and I met with our daughter's teacher on Tuesday night. Here's what we learned: Our daughter is the best student in her class. Now that sounds really great, and it truly is, but we also found out that it's not entirely because she's a brilliant kid. It's because about half of the students in her class have IEP's. Some of the students have learning disabilities, some have behavioral issues, some have serious problems at home.

To satisfy some pissy parents, our elementary school holds a "sign up" at the end of the school year for parents who want to request a particular teacher for the next year. Because it is first-come-first-serve, parents start lining up about an hour or more beforehand, like they're trying to buy tickets to a sold-out concert or something. I suffered through this process to choose her first grade teacher, and dd did get the teacher I requested; But of all the parents I talked with about this (most of whom were in line way ahead of me!), I was the only one who got my first choice. Basically this sign up thing is bullshit. I did not bother doing it this year.

So here's how it went down: This is her teacher's first year at this school, and pretty much what happened is all the other second-grade teachers picked through the students who signed up, chose who they wanted, and left everyone else to the new teacher. That's pretty shitty.

I know her teacher has no problem dealing with students who have special needs. She has a degree in Special Education, and taught Special Ed. at her last position. Furthermore, I think intergrating these kids into the regular classrooms is one of the best things to happen to our educational system in a long time. But when you have that many special needs students in one classroom, it's hard enough to give each of them the one-on-one attention they need, but it's damn near impossible to do without holding back the progress of the other kids. This is a lose-lose situation.

My daughter is a sponge...She absorbs information as fast as you can throw it at her. She loves to learn and read and experience new things every day. And now she's BORED. And that really pisses me off. It is not her teacher's fault. Her teacher is doing the best she can. It boils down to the way crap goes down in this school system - the politics, the good ol' boy network, the under-the-table favors. And all of our kids suffer because of it.

Anyway, my reason for even writing about this was not to bitch but to tell a story that shows what an awesome, loving, beautiful child we have.

Her teacher told us that she has "assigned" DD a "special project". Now I'm thinking, book report? extra math? Nothing like that.

One of the students is autistic, and won't talk beyond an occasional whispered word to the teacher. The teacher has seated DD next to this little girl in hopes that my daughter's outgoing and friendly personality will help her. As the teacher is telling us about this, she starts to choke up and tears form in her eyes. She tells us that it is amazing how DD has taken this sweet little girl under her wing, helping her with classwork when she needs it, defending her against the ugly remarks from bullying kids. This little girl trusts my daughter enough to talk to her when she will not speak to anyone else. The coolest part of this is the fact that my daughter has no idea what autism is, or that this little girl is any different than herself. She doesn't know her teacher had a special purpose in seating them together. She just saw someone who needed a friend.

She never ceases to blow my mind. I ache with love and pride.

Not alot new. AF should make her appearance sometime next week, assuming I had a half-way normal cycle. This is my first time off bcp's in 7 years, so only time will tell. Of course, if I DID have a fairly normal cycle, I could be pregnant and not even know it. We haven't used any bc at all since I stopped the pills, and we've been dtd pretty regularly. I am feeling very calm about this, and that really surprises me. I might even be a tiny bit disappointed if AF shows up. (SSSHHHH...don't you dare tell anybody, they will call you a liar! LOL!)

I told DH that if we do this, he gets night shift. (He's up half the night now as it is, and I swear that man can fall back asleep in less than a minute!) I find this only fair! If I go thru 40 weeks of pregnancy and 18 hours of labor, the least he can do is get up in the middle of the night, right? With DD, I breastfed until she was almost 3 months old, so I didn't have much choice but to get up. I tried pumping a bottle so dh could do the night feedings, but I dreaded the pumping almost as much as the nightly sleep interuptions. If there is a next time, I will more than likely formula feed. Don't get me wrong, I whole-heartedly agree that breastfeeding is the best way to go, and at the very least, I would bf the first few days for the colostrum. But I also believe bfing was a big contributing factor to my ppd. I did not deal well with the fact that I was bound 24/7 to my infant, and that she would starve if I was away from her more than a couple hours. (It is pretty terrifying if you really think about that.) Right or wrong, I am not one of those people who thrive on being needed; I have accepted this about myself.

I've been off bcp's for ten days now and have noticed some changes. My face now regularly has a zit somewhere on it at all times; I usually get one or two zits a month or less. My sex drive is on the increase. Usually, I could live without it and not really miss it. However, since I stopped the pill, I really enjoy it and look forward to being with DH. Hell, I've even instigated it once or twice! [GASP!] My mood also seems better (could be the sex?LOL!). Some other changes I've noticed may or may not have anything to do with getting off bc. I've been feeling a heaviness in my uterus for the last 3 or 4 days, which could be from my body gearing back up to lay eggs. Also, I've noticed a change in bm's...like pooping gravel lately! (sorry, TMI, I know.)

Overall, I feel really good right now. I've been working out 2 or 3 times a week for the last six months or so. My weight is where it should be. I've been taking a multi-vitamin and extra calcium every day. I haven't smoked a cig in almost 18 months, and I've been cutting way down on alcohol consumption. I'm probably the healthiest I've ever been in my adult life.