Happy New Year! We rang in the new year very quietly this year. Actually, this is not much different than the last couple years, other than we usually have a few drinks. I called my mom and dad on New Year's Eve and told them the news. My mom was happy, my dad's comment was, "That's just what you need. You should've gotten another dog." Thanks for the positive vibes, there, Pops. I've known my dad long enough to know not to take this too personally. He's just a grumpy old fart. Inside, I know he's tickled. We've decided not to tell dh's family or dd just yet. We want to make sure the little bean sticks before we get everyone all excited. (The reason I told my Mom is because she knew we were trying, and, welll....dammit, she's my mommy!)

I can't help but compare my excitement level to the first time. I swear, last time around I was on the phone with everyone I could think of about 5 minutes after the positive test. I even told my boss the very next day (GASP!), which in hindsight was a bit quick. I was just sooo excited! I wanted everyone in the world to know. You would've thought I'd cornered the market on this pregnancy thang. I couldn't wait to start showing so everyone would know.

This time, I have been strangely calm. I saw the plus sign and said, hmmm...I'm pregnant. No wild heart flutters, no freaking out, no hopping on the phone (although I did email my friend a picture of the positive test, heehee). I am quite content with as few people as necessary knowing my little secret. I am not really looking forward to showing. I'm really not looking forward to everyone at work finding out. (I've only been there one year.)

Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. Or just maybe, I really am this calm about it. Stay tuned.

10DPO. So much for having a beer to ring in the new year, huh?

9DPO. Here's my chart. At this point in my last cycle, AF was about to show. I fully expected to see my temp drop today, but instead a slight rise. (That could be from the two glasses of wine I had last night.) Boobs still tender. Not so crampy as last time, though. That's a plus.

I HATE not knowing. I am fairly certain that I'm not, but I would like to know for sure. I am trying to have self-control with the hpt's. My original plan was to test on New Year's Day if af hadn't showed up by then. I blew that already. I MUST make myself wait. I MUST. I MUST. I am so weak! It's a good thing I have no more hpt's in the house at the moment.

8DPO
Boobs were hurting pretty bad most of yesterday. Not so much today...I expect I'll see a temp drop here in the next couple of days and the arrival of AF. I broke down and took a test this morning. NEGATIVE, of course. Why do I do this? I accomplish nothing other than making myself feel stupid and disappointed. It would be a lot less painful to beat myself about the head and shoulders with spiked whip.

7DPO (according to FertilityFriend.com)
Christmas has come and gone and all was well. I cooked all weekend, packed it up, took it to my SIL's house, unpacked it and served it. WHEW. Glad it's over! My SIL and I have a pretty good arrangement. She has a nice, big house with a pool table, bar and bigscreen tv. I love to cook. So she hosts and I bring most of the food. It works out great! I cook, she cleans, lol!

I had to go back to work yesterday, and I was exhausted. I felt way out of sorts yesterday. I was Bitch Supreme! But much better attitude today. The best thing about having been super-busy for the last week is that I've had no time to think about whether I'm pg or not. I know one thing, my boobs have been on fire. But, of course, same was true last month. If I had to wager, I'd say AF will be showing up to celebrate the New Year. I'm not as sad about that.

DH's best friend and his wife and baby girl came over last night. This is the couple that are newly-pg. She said she feels great. Their first pregnancy (before their DD) ended at about 4 months due to chromosomal abnormalities. It was a boy. They were devastated and waited two more years to try again. They had an emergency C-section with DD. I pray this pregnancy is VERY UNEVENTFUL!!

According to fertilityfriend.com, I am 3DPO today. Finally got the crosshairs. My temp has been up for three days now. If my O day is right by my chart, we bd'd all but the day before O. Hope that wasn't the magic day, cause we sure missed it! DH had to work late that night and I just couldn't stay awake.

Because this is my first month charting and I don't know how long my "luteal" phase is, FF recommends testing at 18DPO...AS IF. But I think I can hold out at least until New Years Day, which will be DPO 12. Okay, maybe I should wait a little longer than that, but I will allow myself to give in to the POAS Demon at that point. As for now, I'm feeling ambivilant about the whole thing. Part of this is because I've got alot to get done before Christmas and I really don't have the time to dwell on it. Part of this is because of how disappointed I was last cycle. I will not do that to myself again.

Well, my temp spiked this morning, so evidently I o'd either yesterday or Tuesday. Now we get to enter the fabulously fun two-week wait.

DH expressed concern about how I reacted to not being pg last cycle. He even said that he wonders if we're doing the right thing. (Okay, NOW is not the time to say that to me.) I explained to him that the reason I was so upset is because I was so sure that I was pregnant, when in reality I was just experiencing lots of pms symptoms that I don't normally have. What I failed to consider is that I've been on the pill for seven years and have pretty much had NO pms up until this point. This time around, I am a little wiser and will not jump the gun.

We have decided to give it six months. This is month 2. ARE we doing the right thing? This is so awful, and I feel really guilty even writing this, but a little tiny part of me hopes that we can't get pregnant in six months. Why? I think it's because I would then have a "valid" reason for not having another baby, rather than the rather selfish-sounding, "Because I don't want to."

If we don't get pregnant, I do seriously want to look into foster-adoption.

cd 16. Not sure if/when I o'd. I got a positive OPK on cd 13 & 14, but my temp has yet to rise. hmmm. Nips have been sensitive since Monday, and I've been having mild crampy twinges in my lower belly today. I thought for sure I'd see a temp rise today. Maybe tomorrow.

Time to boogey, baby!

CD10. Well, I received in the mail yesterday my order of OPK's from www.saveontests.com. I took the first one last night, which I did totally wrong. (Read the instructions, dipshit.) Today I tested while at work. I snuck into the bathroom and peed in a styrofoam cup, then made a beeline for my office before anyone saw me. I felt so goofy walking down the hall with a cup o' pee! Anyhoo, got a faint line. Hope this means I'm gearing up to O.

CD 8. DH and I watched this show on TLC last night called "16 Children and Moving In" about this HUGE family building a house big enough for all of them. The parents had 15 kids with one on the way! Holy Crap!!! That woman wasn't running a family, she was running an army! She was a couple years older than me.

Not much on the ttc front. I bought one of those BBT thermometers and have started checking my temp each morning. Today was the third day. When I was trying to get pregnant with dd, I had started temping, but because my work schedule was always out of wack, I never really got a consistent reading. Plus, I ended up pregnant the same month I started temping so I was doing it for nothing anyway. Maybe that's what'll happen this time! Oh, and dh is no longer taking baths because I mentioned to him that hot baths kill the swimmers. He said he's trying to do his part.

I have been avoiding my blog because I just feel so foolish.

Guess who showed up late Monday night? You guessed it, that red-headed bitch named Aunt Flow. Heiffer. I hate her. I was DEVESTATED. I started bawling right there on the toilet. Then I proceded to get rip-roaring drunk. I didn't go to work on Tuesday. I couldn't stop crying.

I was just soooo sure!!! The changes in my body were unlike anything I'd ever experienced before a period. I mean, I got these little bumps on my nips, for crissake! EVERYTHING was swollen! The cramps were horrendous! And all this went on for a full seven days! Very unlike any PMS ever. My system was just overrun with progesterone, I reckon.

I had it all planned out in my mind how to tell the family. My dd had even put "little sister or brother" on her Christmas list! I was going to buy her one of those "Big Sister" t-shirts and wrap it up for Christmas morning. Then, when she wore it to our family's house for Christmas dinner, everyone would see it.

I think this is why I am so devestated. It was soooo perfect.

I can't go through this again.

I am pretty sure I'm pregnant. Let me rephrase that: If af shows up, I will be utterly amazed.

When I woke up this morning my first thought was, I feel pregnant. I've gotten three negative tests now(11/29, 12/1 and 12/2) but I'm only at cd24 and my hormone level may not be high enough to be detected yet. However, my boobs are rounder, the nips are getting these little raised bumps, and the areolas are spreading out in crazy directions. The cramps have died down to just a constant tugging feeling, no longer uncomfortable but I know it's there. My, ahem, nether regions are getting pretty sensitive too. I had forgotten about this really nice perk of pregnancy. DH is really excited!

So how do I feel? Pretty calm, since I don't know for sure. How will I feel when I get that big plus sign? Who knows.

And by the way, my guess on dh's Christmas gift? I was right. He of course caved and showed me pix of the two kayaks he bought, one single and one double. The woman that runs the outfitters where he purchased them told dh not to worry too much about me being pregnant and kayaking. She said she went kayaking all the way thru all of her pregnancies. She's pretty granola though. She's probably one of those supermoms who kayaked over to the bank, gave birth underwater, then tied the kid on her in a sling and paddled along on her merry way. She told us a story one time about caving with her three-month-old daughter! Geez!

CD 22. By the time I got home from work yesterday, my boobs were no longer sore and I started cramping. I took this as a sign that af was on her way any minute. Yes, I was disappointed! Devastated to the point of tears is more like it. My dh said, "If you are, you are, if you aren't, you aren't. [So insightful, isn't he?] Is it really that hard on you?" I turned and shot him my best are-you-a-fucking-idiot glare and said, "Well aren't you lucky that you never have to experience this." He of course gave me a huge hug. They have no idea, do they?

Now today my sore boobs are back and I feel incredibly crappy and crampy. (The crappy is mostly due to the bottle of red wine I drank last night, but still.) Could someone just put me out of my misery for chrissake?!?!? The cramps I can live with; not knowing if I am pregnant or not is agony.

We went to Moyer's Winery and Restaurant last night. They were having a "Sing For Your Supper" night and Ken was invited to sing by his high school music teacher (who happens to be one of the owners of Moyer's). He sang "Ol' Man River" from Showboat. He was great! Now here's the dessert: By the end of everyone's performances, my dd was DEMANDING to get up there and sing Jingle Bells. She would not take no for an answer! The owner's son, sitting at the next table, overheard the commotion and said, "Of course you can, honey!" He took her up front, stood her on a chair, and handed her the microphone. She sang it! I couldn't believe it. Of course, she was off-key and her tempo was off, but the whole room chimed in with her! This child won't even say the prayer at family dinners, and here she is singing in front of at least 50 strangers in the middle of restaurant. So now she's convinced she's a superstar and wants to sing for everybody everywhere! Oh. My. God. I see embarrassing moments in my immediate future.

CD20. I am a pendulum. Back and forth, back and forth. One minute I'm totally convinced I'm pregnant. Five minutes later I am convinced I'm not. SIGH. Look at what I have reduced myself to. I did it again. I took a pg test knowing I'm no where near close enough to af to be doing that. Negative of course. DUH. I think next time I should just pee on a $5 bill and flush it for all the good it does.

My nips are still very sensitive, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's not because I can't stop touching them, checking for changes. They tingle. The rest of my boob is not too sensitive or sore, just the nip. This is day 3 for sore nips. (Am I getting a little obsessed with my nips???)

I have also been pretty touchy mood-wise, but I cannot count this as anything since I'm usually all over the place with my mood anyway. I bit poor dd's head off last night, scared the shit out of her when I screamed, "just eat the damn sugar cookie!" It was like someone else's screechy shriek booming from my throat. I even felt the snap. God I'm such a witch. I apologized. But I'm still a witch.

I think I have an idea what dh's big Christmas gift might be. He forgets that ebay emails come to my email address, not his. He's bidding on a child's PFD (personal floatation device). We were dreaming of canoes and kayaks late this summer, doing alot of "window" shopping but knowing it just wasn't in the budget quite yet. I bet you a million dollars he's bought a canoe or a couple kayaks. Wouldn't that be just great if I did turn up pregnant. The damn boat would be old and worn out before I got to use it. You don't see many infants going down the creek, now do ya?

My boobs are sore. Which in itself is no big deal, they sometimes get a little sore before AF. But they are a weird sore. The nips are overly-sensitive.

I hate this part. The two-week wait. I remember this from trying to get pregnant with DD. You tune into your body so hard that you over-analyze every single twinge, pain and gas bubble that goes thru your body, convinced it's a sign that you're pregnant. I hate being that person.

Oh, and guess what??? DH's best friend N and his wife are pregnant! That was quick, they just started trying in September.

cd16. I love getting to sleep in and snuggle in the bed with dh on Saturday mornings. Nothing like a little Saturday morning shuffle, know what I mean? So in the heat of the moment this morning, dh says, "Let's make this one count. You are definitely ovulating!" How in the hell does he know that??? More than likely, I am, according to where I am at in the cycle and how my cm looks. But he's so sure of it. Hmmm....Afterward, he pulled my legs up and shook them, saying, "Get down in there, guys!"

He came home from work yesterday, all excited because he bought my Christmas present yesterday. God love him, he usually waits until Christmas Eve because he just can't stand to wait until we open our gifts. This next month will kill him! Hopefully, my Christmas present to him was "purchased" today....If I am pregnant, I will wait until Christmas to tell him. We'll know in a couple weeks.

Today is Thanksgiving.

Today is also the 37th anniversary of the day my older brother was killed when he darted out into the street and was struck by a car. He was 2 years, 3 months, and 13 days old. I was 5 months old. My mother was 21, my dad was 24. My parents had made the bold decision to move to southern Mississippi to work on the clean up and reconstruction after Hurricane Camille. They were hundreds of miles from home. My mom says she looked away for a second. A second. That's all it took to almost completely destroy my family.

Growing up, I was always aware of this cloud that hung over my family around the holidays. I never really understood it, but it had always been there. My parents started fighting more around this time of year. My dad stayed gone more, coming home later and later. My mom hated decorating for Christmas. If you asked Mom what she wanted for Christmas, she always said, "A knock-out pill that lasts until New Year's Day." My dad has always refered to Christmas as "just another damn day". They now spend winter in the Keys. They do not celebrate the holidays.

I didn't fully understand any of this until I had my daughter. Now, when this day comes around, it is not only the loss of my brother's life I mourn; it is the loss of my parents' faith and hope, the loss of their youth.

So on this day of thanksgiving, I am so thankful for my parents. I love you Mom & Dad. I respect you for being survivors. I hope that I have just a fraction of your strength, and I pray that I will never need it. I am also thankful for the health and well-being of my husband and child. I pray that I will feel this grateful and blessed next year, and every year.

Today is DH's birthday. We are now officially the same age again. See, I'm technically older than he is, having been born five months earlier. From June until November, he (lovingly?) refers to me as his old lady. ha. ha. Yeah, laugh it up...I'm not the one going gray, honey.

I'm at cd 12. We've been at it like rabbits, every day since last Thursday. Maybe he'll get an embryo for his birthday.

Four people were laid off at work yesterday. This makes me incredibly nervous because I was the last one hired. Granted, the four positions eliminated were all part-time, and our GM assured all of the rest of us that our jobs were not in jeopardy at the present time. But still.

I'm thinking I will wait few months before asking HR about our maternity leave policy.